The first 6 months - PT2/2

You're so depressing!

At this point looking at what I have written so far, I bet you all think that I am some manic depressant and nothing good ever happens to me inside and outside of BJJ.  Well, the good news is that I am not in any kind of depression, though I often take a look at my life and wonder why not... but let me tell you about two incidents that happened to me that really changed my outlook of myself, my instructor and BJJ.

Look, Fresh Meat!

At this point, I had been at it now for about 5 months and I was still being easily dominated by pretty much everyone in the class.  This did not bother me much, but what I kind of noticed was the fact that though it took them 30 seconds to submit me instead of the initial 5-10 seconds, I did not feel that I was advancing very much. 

It's hard to tell these things but I learned that the great indicator was when someone new other than me became the new guy in class with no experience, and I rolled with them.

This new guy was young and very strong but zero BJJ knowledge (like we all start out at), and I quickly discovered that all those sweeps and submissions and dominant positions that were done to me for the last 5 months by the others in class worked very effectively on my new friend.  I was also very quick to be very gentle and work more for a good position over a submission.  My goal was not to hurt anyone, but I was very interested in seeing what techniques worked and what failed with someone of this level of experience.  I was seeing myself from the top position for the first time!

The answer was that if I did the move correctly, the result was a dominant position that they could not escape from easily, and I found myself using very little cardio and strength and that my friend was breathing like a locomotive train.  I saw myself in his eyes, and for the first time, I was in a dominant position and completing basic submissions.  Outside I was calm and watchful, but inside I was surprised and exultant, humbled but screaming for more!  I wanted to really crank up the speed, but knew that it was wrong for him and for me.  For him, it would be discouraging, for me, it would promote bad technique. 

Go slow grasshopper!

That first arm bar was like a drug high for me... the first rear naked choke was just as rewarding, but my first Anaconda (head/arm choke) just blew me away when I felt the reaction and the resultant near desperate tapping to submit due to the choke.

After that, I stopped with the submissions, concentrated on position and also talking my friend through the basics of what I was looking for and how I was doing it.  We worked his "Upa", basic arm bar and the basic defensive positions (mount, side-mount, rear-mount, guard and 1/2 guard), and when he was tuckered out, he had asked for a break and then asked me how many years I was doing BJJ.  When I told him it was just the last 5 months or so, I saw his eyes go wide, but added for him to not get too excited about my supposed skills, I was the lowest in the class and that he would likely enjoy rolling more with the higher belts and soon be good enough to start kicking my butt very soon if he trained regularly.  He was, after all, a young buck and I am a man of 50+ years of age!

That day, I was on a bit of a plateau in terms of technique and attitude and it showed.  The thing with plateaus is that it is a nice high place to fall off of, and right after that week of highs, I did experience that low of frustration and almost like a mild depression that one gets after working as hard as you can and seeing no changes or feeling like you fell backward in your progress instead of moving forward.

I know plateaus, and I know how to deal with them from other areas in my life.  Suck it up, there are two ways to get through plateaus... either take a break and come back after a few weeks off or power through and go for another plateau up higher.

I chose to power through it, and though I did not reach a much higher plateau, I did get through and was ready to keep trying to move forward.  I feel that had I stopped, I would have dropped lower in skills/ability/cardio and lost what little advances I worked so hard to reach.

Still, that week stands out as the 2nd most terrific moment in my BJJ experience so far.

Oh, you think... #2, huh?  So what was my most memorable moment of BJJ in that first 6 months? 

Test Day!

It's June 2013 and I hear that in 2 weeks there is going to be a belt test day.  In my head I think cool, if I can bring it all together somehow and work as hard as I can for the next 2 weeks, I might go for the test and see about earning my first stripe... what an accomplishment that would be!

I walk in to each class as motivated as I can, I try to push myself harder and I even pull a 4 course week that first time (it kills me, of course, and I need that extra day to even partially recover, but don't have it... so gross amounts of Voltaren and ibuprofen come to the rescue!).  I also talk to a few of the blue belts about the coming exam, so I can know what to expect, and the way it is described is that it is a day of incredible and absolute intensity.  I listen to what they went through and know that there is just no way I can match that level.  If nothing else, between my cardio and spells of nausea, I am just not ready.

Fine, no biggie, no belt test for me this time, so let's keep doing what I am already doing and enjoy the experience.  I also decide that if I am not going to participate in the belt test, I'll help document the day with pictures and video for our school... but I am going to be there and at least try.

I arrive early, the day is divided into two parts... the kids and the adults.  I put on my Gi so that I may show my respect to the school and pull out my camera... let's get some pics for us!

One of my passions besides BJJ is photography, and I would like to say that my photography is good.  I am comfortable with it and have been at it for decades.  My father was the one who brought me into that world and he was a photographer since before I was born.  I looked for the angles, looked for those special moments and enjoyed the process.  Because I had the Gi, I had the ability to go anywhere on the mat and catch some prime shots. 

I had fun!

Then the adult portion started, and it starts with a heavy warm-up.  Rolls from one side of the class to the other, something that I should not do... then cartwheels, and shrimping and advanced shrimping, and on and on... it was a list of all the things that I physically just could not do well at all, but I tried, and all I succeeded in doing was in making myself quite violently ill.  Two long visits to the toilet helped me a bit, but the headache I was feeling was borderline migraine levels of throbbing and pain. 

I can tell when I am near the point of passing over that line that separates me being ill for a few hours or a couple days... it's when I break out into cold sweats on top of feelings of heavy nausea, and that is exactly where I was.  I had to break away from the event and sat down, my world slowly spinning around me.  Inside, I was crushed because I knew there was no way I was going any further that day.

As I sat down, I went to where my camera was placed on the mat, and Syl, my instructor, had to see something was wrong, I was looking pretty bad.  He looked at me, clapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I could take a few pictures of the adult class, because he already knew what he was going to give me anyway.

Wait... did he say that I was going to get *something*?  I decided not to think about it, I was still feeling pretty shitty... so I concentrated as hard as I could on getting up and shooting photos and videos to keep from becoming physically ill on the spot.  The nausea passed within a few minutes, but my head continued to pound and felt as if it was going to explode.  The class continued as Syl called out for different drills and set up different rolling sessions and challenge matches between specific people.  This went on for about 2 hours and I was trying my best to capture the moments on photo and video, at which time he called everyone to order.  The tests were over and the awards were next.

I did not complete the class, so I did not line up with everyone... I kept my position where I could take pictures of the stripe promotions and videos of the belt promotions.  I knew that I did not earn nor deserve that stripe and promised myself that next time, I would be more ready.  I knew what to expect now and was determined to do it the next chance I got.

As I watched, the stripe promotions were first, and I could see the pride and pleasure in the face of each person as that little piece of white tape was placed on their belt.  Such a small thing that piece of tape, but what an impact it had and what importance it held for each person... it made me smile seeing the same emotion on all their faces!

Then came the belt promotions... and wow, if I thought the stripe promotions were emotional, the belt promotions were even more profound.  I liked how each person removed their own belt, and as they did, the instructor basically lightly whipped you with your "new" belt a couple of times and then he placed it on you himself, shook your hand and then ceremoniously hip-threw you to the ground.  That just seemed the most appropriate way to honor the moment!

Then Syl asked his assistant (Nathalie, a blue belt that was helping out), if that was everyone and I could not hear them clearly, but noticed by their reactions that someone was forgotten.  Looking through theline quickly, I did not think anyone was left out... but I was startled as he turned and called me up front.  My mind was confused for a second, but I jumped up and went over.  He pulled me in a bit closer by the belt and wrapped on a white strap... I was speechless, words were impossible and the only sound that escaped my lips was a kind of "pfffft" sound.  In my mind, it was screaming that I did not deserve this, yet, apparently to him, I did,  He completed wrapping the stripe on and I began to pull back to shake his hand.  As I lightly pulled back, he pulled me forward by the belt and wrapped a 2nd stripe right beside the first one.

Normally, I am not an emotional person, at least not in public, but I am sure that I had a look of shock and surprise and a huge smile on my face, I also think I wiped away a bit of a tear... but if you ever ask, I'm denying that last part (That's my story and I am sticking to it).

My mind was just reeling with what happened, I could not believe it.  After I had a chance to walk back to the camera and pick it up, ready for the group photos I knew were going to come next, I still felt so undeserving inside, and that I would have to ask Syl how in the world he saw that I was worthy of even a single stripe, much less two.

To make a long story a bit shorter, I finally did ask, and I did receive my answer.  Basically, he doesn't grade on just the events of the day, but on your overall performance in all the previous classes as well, and he deemed my performance high enough to have earned those stripes.  Also that it is not my place to know what I receive or don't receive nor when, and that I must learn to trust my Sensei's judgment on this matter. 

Hard to swallow... but ok.  I know that I am my own worst critic at times, and this can perhaps interfere with my own personal evaluations.

After setting that aside a little, it made enjoying my accomplishment so much easier.  I had just made 2 stripes in one shot... and man, I was flying high emotionally!  When I came home, I of course told my parents and my girlfriend and though they celebrated happily with me in a small way, inside, for me, Christmas had come in June this year.

(me on the far left, 2 stripes proudly displayed)

(in post #5, the story continues)